these (tragic) gays, they’re trying to murder me!
illegible brain rot about these violent delights by Micah Nemerever.
Be gay do crime, but make it WAY less fun.
If there’s one thing to know about me, its I love romance. I especially love tragic romances, because apparently I like hurting myself! But hey! In the wise words of micah nemerever, “beautiful things are supposed to hurt” and hurt this book did!
I love all consuming love (especially when it overlaps into cannibalism—this book doesn’t—gasp!) and obsession and very tragic people and also queerness, so obviously I went into this book expecting to love it, but my god did it exceed my expectations.
the moment I realized that Paul was an unreliable narrator was the single worst moment of my life. In the beginning of the book, I frequently disliked Julian, because Paul’s descriptions of him made him seem carelessly cruel, but as the book went on it became clear that Paul wasn’t to be trusted. Sure, Julian had the tendency to be unkind, but so did Paul. The worst revelation from this book was that Julian is much kinder, loving, and fragile than Paul ever made him out to be, which makes the ending all the more tragic.
I wonder how many moments there were when Paul described Julian’s actions as being cruel, when all he was doing was being affectionate. All those times when instead of fighting back, Julian went quiet and Paul interpreted it as the silent treatment, when really Julian was just too tired or he wasn’t in the mood to engage in Paul’s self hatred. Julian really is such a sad character, and whats worse is that you don’t notice it until the middle-almost-end of the book because Paul is so busy misjudging him and being self pitying.
Thinking about how different the book would be in Julian’s point of view keeps me up at night. He loved Paul, so much, but Paul refused to see it. We get this image of Julian that is cruel and stingy with his love and who is able to look over mean comments, but how much of it is really him, and how much is Paul’s perception of him?
“I hope you looked west while I was looking east, and that for a moment you met my eyes without knowing it. I know you never look away, ever when your eyes are closed, but I'm never certain you can see what's really there.
I miss you to pieces.” I think this was the moment I truly fell in love with Julian. It ached me so much to see how much he loved Paul and how much he longed for Paul to see him and how Paul just refused, The way in which Paul would rather leave than stay and comfort Julian all because he didn’t want to watch Julian be ‘weak’ aka be a human who experiences sadness. I hate Paul sometimes, all the more because he is so very me.
“The opening move was circled in red.” When I read this line, the last line of the book, I nearly fell over. I shouldn’t have been surprised. The title of the book is a reference to the Shakespeare quote, “these violent delights, have violent ends” like MY GOD— ‘Hes on the door, Peyton! Hes on the damn door under me!’— obviously, it was going to end terribly! They told me!! Even Paul told me— “I kill them because they're beautiful, and it's the only way I can keep them.” There was only ever one ending.
The U.S. Open 1970—Kazlauskas v. Kaplan—Championship Final. Julian talks about this chess match frequently throughout the book, hes constantly analyzing it, trying to figure out where Kazlauskas went wrong. In the whole book he can’t find a single flaw. Hes determined to figure out the exact moment where the game went awry, and its not until the very end that he finds it. I knew this chess game would prove to be important, but what I didn’t know was how it would destroy me.
The moment in which the game was lost— the point of no return— was the opening move. The mistake was in beginning the game at all. Which, of course, translates into meaning that Julian’s mistake was meeting or beginning anything with Paul. They were always going to destroy each other, there was simply no other option. It’s such a sad revelation. They were doomed from the start, which meant that it didn’t matter how much they loved each other or what they did, it was always going to end the same. Julian said that while watching the match, '“you could see the players trying to take each other apart and push each other as far as they could go. And its gorgeous.” which is exactly how you feel while reading the book.
I truly can’t talk about this book any more because, well, “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.” so, one day I will analyze this book in full and write about it, but for now this is what I leave you with this; do we think Julian was a Beth Harmon fan? i mean, shes a ginger who plays chess and existed at the same time as him…..like he would love her!